


Saignant

by 1000trillionpercent (orphan_account)



Category: Youtubers
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fragile Boys, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 03:33:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10958784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/1000trillionpercent
Summary: Will your lover caress you the way that I did?Will you notice my charm if he slips up one bit?





	Saignant

The walk to his house was hell, spent tugging the hood of your jacket over your face and avoiding eye contact with each person that passed. You’re certain everyone could see the heat spread across your face, the look of exhaustion in your eyes, and altogether how broken you are.

 

You’re weak, you know it, and that’s fine.

 

He takes what feels like ages to answer his door, through it’s not like you can complain, you haven’t any other places to be. The semblance of ‘home’ and ‘safety’ left your heart long ago.

 

He sees right through everything, and his expression goes from playful confusion to knowing disappointment. He invites you in, leads you to the living room, and sets down on the couch next to you. It’s a while before he even manages to say anything, though your jaw is locked shut with hatred and pain, so it’s not like you’re easing his burden.

 

“If… if this is becoming a pattern maybe you should consider leaving?”

 

Your body rejects every word of that proposition, you feel your throat closing

 

“If he’s doing this it’s clear he doesn’t actually love you”

 

That can’t be true. That **can’t** be true.

 

“I can talk to him.”

 

You shake your head vigorously, sob ‘No’ with a broken voice and a sore throat.

 

“Sorry, sorry, I…” He fumbles at his words, tries to think of anything, “I’m sorry, Ethan, I don’t know what to say I don’t, I wish I could fix this.”

 

He pulls your hood down, runs a hand through your hair and pulls you forward to press his lips to your forehead. It’s innocent, chaste, but it hits you like a bullet. your composure shatters like paper-thin glass as sobs wrack your body. He pulls you closer, wraps his arms around you and pets down your back as you snivel and whimper how pathetic you are, how much you deserve this, how much you deserve to be alone.

 

You’re a mess, you can’t even contain yourself and you’re soaking the sleeves of your jacket (along with splotches on the front of his shirt) with your tears and each cry out of pain and anger leaves your frame shaking more than the last. So many questions, mainly, Why?

 

Why is he doing this? Why do you let him hurt you like this? Why don’t you leave? Does he know you’re not strong enough to leave? Is this why he’s doing this? Why do you forgive him for actions he won’t even apologize for? Why do you close your eyes to such awful treatment?

 

**Why do you still believe him when he says he loves you?**

 

You only tire out when your head is throbbing and your tears run dry from dehydration. Mark’s still holding you, still soothing his hands over your back. He’s been the only constant so far in a shattered relationship and a ruined sense of worth. You hate yourself for dragging him into this.

 

You hate yourself for not being strong enough to keep quiet.

 

You hate yourself for not being able to just accept it.

 

It’s been long enough, a new incident shouldn’t surprise you.

 

You shouldn’t feel yourself shatter when a joke is brought up about it

 

You’re just weak.

 

You pull back, only slightly, and Mark takes your face in his hands. He wipes clean tear-stained cheeks and locks eyes with you, expression calm.

 

You feel worthless, with each day, with each incident, you feel progressively more worthless, and you say that.

 

He presses his forehead to yours and tells you that you’re worth more than this situation.

 

He tells you to honestly consider leaving.

 

You still feel nauseated at the thought.

 

You tell him you miss feeling special, feeling loved. A long time ago you’d forgotten what it felt like to mean the world to someone.

 

Sadness flashes in his eyes. Or is it pity?

 

You’re weak.

 

You lean forward, press your lips against his.

 

You’re weak.

 

He pulls back, surprised, and you feel your body shaking now more than ever. He feels bad, he pities you, it all too evident in how hesitantly he pulls you back in against him.

 

You’re fucking **weak.**

 

Your lips part slowly, and he’s looking at you with concerned confusion.

 

 _Is this good enough?_  You read on his face. _Do you want me to pretend to be him? Do you want me to make you forget about him? Do you want to call me his name? Do you want to know you’re doing this is someone else?_

 

**Do you even want to do this?**

 

You swallow a sob as you press your lips back against his.

 

“Mark”

 

His hands are shaking, he keeps telling you that you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.

 

“I don’t ever want to think about him again”

 

His breathing is heavy when you pull away, you’re still speaking his whimpers and hiccups of sobs

 

“I want him to know he’s lost something, I want him to know I’m done pretending it’s not real.”

 

Mark presses his lips to your neck and your body fills with a warmth and glow you’d long since forgotten. Through all the sadness, through all the wrong, this feels like it's meant to happen. His voice is soft, warm breath ghosting your skin as he whispers praises, compliments, promises that he can fix whatever you need. Swears on his life he'll do whatever it takes to make you happy. All things you'd only been told to sugarcoat lies. For one, it feels real, everything feels real, and your heart throbs against your chest as you feel his hands on the back of your neck, pulling you closer. 

 

Your chest aches as he pulls you into another kiss.

 

 

**“Just, promise you won’t leave like he did.”**


End file.
